I did not realize how much time and energy I spent on hiding the impact of ALS on me, from others in my life, until my last post. I have realized in the last few days just how often I will supress my communication so I do not worry others, or I will manage myself to look good for events/ meetings/ occassions and then come home and crash…I have let go of some of that urge to keep it on the down low this past week. It’s time to start telling the truth and letting people in on what’s actually happening.
I need more rest now. That’s just how it is, and I’m struggling to be with that’s just how it is…which is odd for me. Usually I am more than eager to grasp what’s so about any given situation, because I know if I can get down to what’s accurate I will always have power around a situation. I guess it started when the emotions were beginning to interfere with me being with my clients. You see as long as the spotlight isn’t on me, I’m good. No worries. I’m present and focused and right in the conversation. However, the moment I am asked about myself, I get teary eyed and sad and my jaw is paralyzed into a 2 yr old’s pout complete with protruding lower lip!
I feel like a Dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde situation….powerfully coaching and making a difference one moment/ an inconsolable crying emotional wave rider the next. So I’ve kept the focus on others during my days as much as possible, however as my energy has flagged I see the need to be more forth coming about slowing down my pace.
I’ve created a disconnect for people I think, because the person they see isn’t what they hear when I speak … and the person they interact with isn’t the person who needs 2 naps a day and 2-3 days of rest on the weekends. Or maybe it is…and I just need to communicate what I need and tell the truth. I now see that I’ve been distancing myself by not communicating what’s accurate about my condition and what I now need and will soon need to keep moving, being productive and living powerfully with ALS. I don’t feel like I’ve been in denial, more like I’ve been acting or hiding what’s really going on. And that’s just ridiculous! I started this blog so I could have a venue for expressing what was really happening, so it’s time to tell the truth and ask for what I need!
Only – I suck at asking for what I need – this event has taught me that! My identity is still wrapped up in the “strong like Bull” vision of myself even though I’m half way into a wheel chair…and back to sleeping 12+ hours on my time off, which is 3 days a week. If I don’t completely shut down for 2-3 days a week I’m useless the other 4. UGH. I intend to emulate the woman who I helped across the street last week…primal scream therapy is for me!
Here’s a few things I need that you may be able to assist me with:
You may not know someone, but you may know someone who know’s someone….ya know?? At any rate…
I need a PR person to assist me with my business, next years fundraising campaign ( which I intend to take national ) and getting my story out.
I need sales people to market and sell my executive coaching programs in the Chicago, Denver and Los Angeles areas. I have program leaders being trained, but what makes a good program leaders may or may not make a good sales person!
I need a good internet marketing person who can produce results…I know my program is effective – amazingly so…and I realize in this market it’s 10% quality of content and 90% marketing… this person needs to be able to convey the authentic value of the Master Plan and actually give a poo about altering the way people are managed…and how they manage themselves.
I need a biography writing partner…I have enough books in the works – I need assistance on this one.
I need 400 smiling happy faces at my fundraiser Weds eve…2-10-2010…500 N Lasalle…7-11pm…
then I need a vacation!