Dear Patient,

Congratulations! You are Human! You are Dying.

This is actually not news. Despite any expiration date your physician may have mentioned or tried to prepare you for they really don’t know. Death,however, is 100% effective. It will happen to each and every one of us. So the fact that you are terminal is the same as it was last week, last year and the minute before your diagnosis. It may be more immediate now. You may have a clearer picture of what your death could look like, you got a red flag, a yellow light, a heads up from the big Guy or Gal upstairs…you may just have a sense how it will go down, maybe.

That’s the catch: Maybe. It may be accurate that you have 14 months, as I was told at first, or 6 months, 2 years, 5-10years, etc etc. AND time limits or expiration dates for human beings are rarely correct, in my experience and observation, UNLESS YOU SAY THEY ARE.

SO for now you may be.

Who you choose to be and how you choose to be in the face of this turn of events is entirely up to you. You may be completely screwed. You may be completely empowered and driven and purposeful. You certainly are free to traffic in all the spaces in between. You may find yourself to be quite the space traveler: visiting all the spaces on this continuum repeatedly, even habitually or as a reaction to some stimulus, comment or dropped fork.

This view is a way to give yourself power. Right now. Where ever you are at: give yourself permission to be there. There is no right way or better way to deal with everything you are dealing with. Give yourself the space and the grace to get present to all the emotions rising up in you. You will probably encounter some stormy emotional weather for awhile. That is just fine. In fact of you are not~ get to a Doctor or Psychologist quick! If you move through it with out stuffing it down and you’ll be on the other side in no time. There is nothing more freeing than allowing yourself to feel it all the way through and beat the pillow or the drum or the kleenex box or the journal to death. Once you have weathered the storm the emotional atmosphere will clear and you will realize you are still here! Wonder of wonders, miracles of miracles! And since none of us really know how long we get on this trip called life, you might even find you have a purpose. Get one quick before they are all gone!

You may already have one…it might be as simple as walking your daughter down the aisle, or seeing you kids graduate etc. I had the dubious “advantage” of being undiagnosed for 5 years before my doctors dared to name the condition I was dealing with. I knew it was something but not having a name to it meant I was not labeled or bound by any preconcieved notion or schedule of diminished capacities. I quietly went about fulfilling my purpose…which is why I recommend you get one quick! It is the clarity of purpose that has bouyed me up when the waves of doubt and grief and loss threaten to overwhelm my next breath. It is the fundamental desire I believe all humans beings have in them, to make a difference for others, which has kept me going. You may not know what purpose you have. You may not be able to be with this request right now in your own emotional atmosphere,but when the weather clears and the grief dissapates and your backbone gets rev’d up and your stubborn streak gets gloriously activated…you will know what purpose you choose to dedicate the minutes of your life to. That is how I look at everything now: is this task worth the minutes of my life?

Life is sharper. It has more focus. I am clearer than ever before of why I chose to be here. I am clear that on some level I chose this experience, perhaps my soul wanted to develop a little more compassion.

I encourage you to get pissed off. Anger is energy. It can be your friend, if you let it. I don’t recommend allowing anger to consume you but I like it as a motivator myself. If you allow yourself to be angry and channel that anger productively it can be a great gift to yourself and others. I don’t make my anger wrong…I allow it to be here. I use it as fuel. As you move through the emotional spaces of dealing with your diagnosis, you can be completely inspired by your anger! I find that I tolerate a lot less bullshit from people now. I simply don’t have time. I demand better service from vendors etc etc. I also don’t get discouraged, even when events seem to conspire against me I experience being like the bow of a large ship in the ocean…I may not like the wave that just hit me but it washes away soon enough and I am still moving forward.

So You May Be however you choose to be at any moment. Given this fact YOU are not limited to anything at anytime. Spend the minutes of your life your way. I give you permission courageous one: yes you may.
I Honor You.
Anne Marie Schlekeway