When lost~ Find a Guide

Friday, November 26th, 2010 by annemarie

So I’ve been lost in a forest of food supplements, meal substitutes and liquid vitamins and minerals…thinking I had done plenty of research on liquid foods etc…but what I didn’t get was other people’s experience with tube food and how to apply it in a healthy responsible manner. Frankly, I am one impatient bitch about it. Incensed that I have to interrupt my day for 45 mins per feeding, I have been rushing them, regularly and then wondering why I get light headed after …and why my energy lags…There oughta be a manual ya know? Thankfully, my friend Kelly, an experienced iron woman competitor, saw that from my last post.

I am convinced that I’m just not asking the right questions to be able to manage my nutrition via the pegtube. I have invited my friend Catherine who is a nurse to be my advocate at my next Dr’s review at the ALS clinic. I wasn’t told to expect a huge dip in energy or focus as I transitioned to all liquid foods but mother of all that’s holy~ that’s what’s happening. I don’t know why I’m just continually annoyed that this happens, I guess I think people should tell you what to expect…is that too much? Is that so wrong?

I have avoided the iso-cal originally perscribed to me as it’s full of high-fructose corn syrup and a stunning selection of chemical additives WHICH made me nausseous as all getout just so you know. However I’ve replaced that with a variety of natural and man made nutritional drinks, from coconut water and fresh juiced veggies to high protien and perfomance nutritional aids as well as liquid supplements for minerals, vitamins etc. Whatever my super combo mumbo jumbo has done it hasn’t been effective in minimizing the impact of living on the tube… I just hadn’t expected this to be the thing that made me home bound. I’m not quite yet, but definitly side lined by long feedings…it’s an effect I tried to minimize by “feeding” as quickly as I can. But as I said, this only made me light headed and occassionaly nausseous and often weak.

I keep waiting for this experience to self correct. For my energy to return so I can engage in an activity for more than 45mins-1hr. before I need a nap. I have new food coming Monday, we’ll see if that makes a dent. If not the conversations we have here will have a decidedly different tone…but we can cross that bridge when it comes. For now I am thankful to have found a guide.

  • Share/Bookmark

Lightheaded Frustration

Monday, November 15th, 2010 by annemarie

Ok so HOW in the world does one go about feeling nourished with peg tube feeding? Is there normally a marked drop in strength and endurance? Is it odd to get light headed during or after feedings? Why isn’t there a booklet to tell you about it? Is naussea common? especially with higher carb “foods”? I feel like I’ve entered a new dimension~ the dimension of the wobbly and weak.

It takes a tremendous amount of energy to do the simplest tasks! AND I have to pee every 20 mins it seems…not always but for a good 1.5 hrs after a feeding for sure! I am open for suggestions and looking for answers…as I ramp up for friday’s speech, I am more grateful for my faith and positive mental and emotional practices than ever…it keeps me hanging on…there’s got to got to got to be a better way.

  • Share/Bookmark

What is it to be alive?

Sunday, November 14th, 2010 by annemarie

What is it really that determines if we experience being alive? What elements have to be there? What’s non- negotiable and does that change? You bet your skivies it does!

Just in the 6 weeks or so that I began taking notes on this question my own non-negotiables have changed. I was originally looking at how many activities can you loose and still feel like you are living? Then I got REALLY tired, and my breathing became more shallow. Things took longer, alot longer. I began minimizing my movements, avoiding trips out of my home, meetings were held here etc. My world is shrinking, my ability to type is slowing down…I haven’t yet gotten to 1/2 the wellness things I’d like and now fear I wouldn’t live through them~ ie. having all my amalgam fillings removed etc.

I need support breathing and am going for a pacemaker for the diaphram if I can, hopefully I won’t be too late to be effective. The thing with ALS is you don’t need something til you NEED IT. I think I’ve been lulled into a sense of complacency given the relatively slow progression of my disease. So what began as an inquiry about what it takes to feel fully alive is now quite frankly a real time look at what do I say it takes to keep me in the fight. What must life provide such that it is worth participating in…? This is a more macabre twist than I was searching for!

Now, I fully believe you bring to life what you make it, and this was meant to be an articulation of that thinking…more along the lines of “if you cant eat dinner out how can you participate and still be a part of it”, but now I don’t have the energy to care. Whoa. There I said it.
That’s a state change people. So I’m alive. Not quite satisfied with how that looks right now, but I’m alive.

  • Share/Bookmark

I’ve lost that rested feeling…

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010 by annemarie

It used to be that I could take 2-3 days off in a row and emerge well rested. Mostly by allowing myself to rest as appropriate, bask in some silence, boost my mood with some empowering reading, meditation and reflection. Basic conscious nourishment. By day 1.5-2 I could feel a sense of renewal and rejuvenation begin to well up, especially when I limitted noise and TV. I’d emerge from my 3 days FULL, energized, with ideas to spare.

I struggle with energy alot since I’ve switched to peg tube feedings, and I’m trying to find liquid supplements that support the highest operation of my cells. I mean what will it take? Do I have unrealistic expectations? I just don’t think I should feel like shit more often than not. Is that too much to ask? I rarely have caffiene- unless I get a headache in which case a few sips of coffee does wonders!! (So does liquid Children’s tylenol in my morning Myoplex!-42g’s of protien- woo hoo!) I’ve just completed 2 wks of tea from a local Chinese Dr. which seemed to make an impact for a minute…

Currently I’m using Floravital, liquid vitamins, iron and herbs as a supplement as well as Peter Gillham’s Natural Vitality “Natural Life Minerals” and Chrlorophyll, Adrenalift from Macca Magic and fresh juiced veggie juices strained over and over until they work in the gravity bags with out clogging it up. I have a history with anemia, so I can see being more consistent with the Floravital with iron making a difference. The problem I am having with my “food” is that it’s so processed that it’s lightyears away from FRESH. It FEELS lifeless. After an initial 12lb drop I’ve gained 5 back and stabilized at 145 ish. I did buy the Health Master emulsifying blender so this week when my folks come we will play with it and hopefully have a pathway for fresh veggies to enter my system again!

It is a mystery. Am I just making it wrong? Perhaps it’s just that the body needs rest…but then I feel as though I’m resting my way to more weakness! NO NO NO. WRONG DIRECTION!! I have a trampoline by my window now and I can “run/bounce” up to 5 minutes using the support bar. This is a major accomplishment.

And so the Quest remains: Mind over Matter…Do I pick this battle or channel my energy into my writing and say screw it? Is that a choice really? It not easy to pick out what’s the priority when the sands keep shifting…right now I’d settle for feeling rested and being productive RELIABLY. once more…

  • Share/Bookmark

On writing a book…

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010 by annemarie

Many of you have asked me if I am or when is it coming out…etc.
I am intending to write my story in several ways:
1) through this blog with the addition of some background material and even more private thoughts and moments
2) several Speechless Speeches published in small short books just as they are
3) Workbooks and ebooks about the Master Plan and it’s many customized versions especially those for Caregivers and Empowered Patients everywhere

Regarding my personal story and the ins and outs of dealing with ALS as it slowly morphs over time…I’ll be adding 2 features to this blog:
1~What I’m not saying…rolling back another layer of authentic observations
2~Background story as a way to tell about life before the concerns of disease

Basically writing a few posts each week as we go, will help keep my personal book alive and rolling while all the professional stuff moves forward. I don’t want to lose it in the fray. So I’m promising you’all so I have to keep my word about it!!

Thanks for holding my feet to the fire!

If you are in Chicago on Nov 19th please come join us for a happy hour fundraiser at Witt’s 2913 N. Lincoln ave. 5:30-7:30pm

Proceeds benefit Augie’s Quest for ALS research
I will do a Speechless Speech on Managing oneself to be Extraordinary in Challenging Times

I look forward to seeing you there.

  • Share/Bookmark