Archive for the ‘ALS Experience’ Category

Being a baby in the blogosphere…

Tuesday, October 12th, 2010 by annemarie

    1 yr old on Thursday October 14th, I have been experiencing a need to account for myself, to re-up my committment to the blog somehow; especially in light of my recent case of the “why bothers” and the feelings of futility that have accompanied my recent fall and peg tube replacement surgery. ALS marches on…I graduated from a cane to a walker complete with a chair and a basket.

    Then again I could just be missing my shoes…52 pair of which left the home for ebay last week. A veritable plethura of museum quality shoes…sigh. Lovingly collected and proudly worn, the primary means of fashionable expression for a woman too chubby to dress as she would prefer over most of the last 20 years.

    In either case, I’ve been in a “mood” or a miasma of apathy~ beginning dozens of blog posts and setting them down unfininished. I have a feeling there should be an annual report: at the end of 1 year what difference have we made? What can we quantify? What do we know for sure?

    We raised 32,000.00 for ALS research. We have 586 members in the Kiss My ALS Facebook group. There have been 147 blog posts. I will look up the number of Twitter followers(110) and unique visitors by Thursday. Speechless Speeches have happened infront of 1000 people or more. We’ve been featured in local and national news broadcasts and the Chicago Tribune.

    Well, I have to say just knowing that makes a difference for me. As they say every conversation makes a difference…if that is as accurate as I like to believe, we have indeed made a difference.

  • Share/Bookmark

What had happenned was…

Friday, October 8th, 2010 by annemarie

Ok. If you don’t get the title dont worry…inside joke w my Detroit friends. Sorry to have been a ghost folks! what happened was: a nasty fall at home, followed by a peg tube replacement surgery this Monday and a Speechless Speech scheduled for last night. The 1st shook my confidence and made me feel ( for the 1st time ) vulnerable in my own home, the second sapped my stregnth and the third was pushing it for me so soon after surgery!

A quick shout out to Keith Lasko for getting me to and through the evening at the club corp charity classic last night. I was over tired and therefor very emotional but I hope it touch a few folks…about 200 souls paid attention to my brief Speechless Speech, but I didn’t meet many afterwards so I’m not clear on the outcome.

I have been putting crayola marker to paper and will be throwing down some insight drenched blog posts soon! My computer setup will alter this weekend to allow for easier writing.

  • Share/Bookmark

Learning how to live…

Wednesday, September 15th, 2010 by annemarie

So why is it people with ALS who are out there talking and blogging are so damn inspiring? Many of us have a similar tone, humor and directness about ourselves and our situation. We are a loving if impatient lot, with plenty of material presented by life, the loss of functions and the medical system to fuel our dialogue. I think we are the WAKE UP CALL, it seems people are waiting for something…and what’s wanted and needed is for them to wake up! And take control of their own lives.

So you can learn how to live from those of us who are learning how to die. As you hear us confront the loss of simple pleasures and functions you can more greatly appreciate yours. Do me a favor and today appreciate your necks…give thanks for your neck and it’s stregnth and flexiblility. Today I’m wearing a neckbrace for the 2nd day because my head is too heavy for my neck as I sit at my computer. So be happy about your working thriving neck.

Do my a second favor and unplug from your media swirl today and sit in silence. Do some journaling. Breathe. This isn’t for me this is for you. Most people I see are not present…to anything. They are so wound up in the constant barrage of information and reacting to it they barely register an original opinion. Sit. Breathe. Think. Cry. Smile. Get present to the wondrous amongst the ordinary. Make this a daily practice. Take back your life. Listen to your own voice…ask yourself “What do I want?” And sit there regularly until you hear a clear answer.

Remember the play, Our Town? Emily says,”Do any human beings realize life while they live it? Every minute?”
Narrator: “No.”

Wake up. Pay attention. It’s your time. Savor your life and the details in it. This is really it, you know.

  • Share/Bookmark

Peg tube nonsense…

Monday, September 6th, 2010 by annemarie

As I begin to use this appendage that Dr’s were so keen to get me into 6 months ago, it’s becoming crystal clear that they paid absolutely no attention to what I wanted to use it for and have never had to use one themselves. After all the pain, interruption and infection it took to get this piece of peg into me the damn thing is unweildy and borderline useless. It was to support my nutrition…but it is too small to carry even my vitamins ground to powder and mixed with 5 parts water with out clogging up and making a big fat mess much less handle the vitamin and fiber rich shakes I make for myself.

I use an old fashioned ratting comb( a dupont Black Diamond number 40 comb) with a 5 in metal pick on the end to punch through the clogs allowing the mixture to spit up on whatever I have wrapped around me at the time, so I can continue to inject the vitamins/water mix into the tube through a 60 ml syringe tilted at an angle to avoid the clogging of the supplement sediment. This is the half hour process I go through to take my vitamins and supplements as I can no longer swallow them and many do not come in liquid form. It is such an exhausting process that even though I’m supposed to take the supplements 3-4 times a day I end up doing it once before I get dressed. My favorite part is how the cap on the tube regularly comes undone so that it drains the content of my stomach down the right side of what I am wearing~ it’s disgusting and apparently my bile smells like mangos. BLECH.

The whole thing is absolutely unmanageable and vexing. I’m so dissappointed and feel misled and unheard all over again, as I remember repeatedly asking about the uses of the tube and how it could work for me. I’m clear I need a larger tube and hopefully a shorter tube~ the one I have hangs 12 inches out from my stomach. What shocks and amazes me is the lack of customer service demonstrated by my former hospital, there was no interest over there in my experience as the end user of the peg tube…there was alot of pushing me to get the procedure done asap…before I was ready. However there was no asking me questions to make sure I was getting the right tube for my needs, infact they didn’t ask any questions at all while they didnt listen to what I did say my needs were.

The distinctions called CUSTOMER SERVICE and PATIENT CARE were wholely missing from my procedure at Northwestern from the procedure~ which I’ve relayed in this blog…to the lack of listening to my requests and needs as their patient. It was simply not a concern for them. I call bullshit Northwestern! Your public relations campaigns are lying about your focus. I am not alone in this conclusion. 6 months later after having healed from the infection and the harrowing experience around my procedure I am again left feeling bilked and taken for a ride by those who promised to care for me. I am not someone who is interested in being wounded…It’s annoying to me! I have enough to do with out being reminded by an open wound in my stomach that isnt working for me…it’s time it began serving me for crying out loud. Let’s hope my new team at UIC’s MDA clinic can provide some answers and keenly listening ears… that would be a nice change. Perhaps they can make some sense of it, I’d be happy with a bit more workability.

  • Share/Bookmark

Adventures in Skype and Bellylaughs

Saturday, September 4th, 2010 by annemarie

Swearing has always struck me as funny. Even though I dont /cant do it myself anymore there are times when the nicest thing I can think of to say is ” Go flap yourself.” Today while meeting with my girlfirend Becky via Skype, which works really well since I can type while she talks…she let loose a torrent of innovative and imaginative profanity just like the old days when we were hot young wild and free! I laughed for a straight 5 minutes. Silent laughter over skype is hysterical.

So we came up with a service for ALS patients with Bulbar onset: for the low low price of $19.95 /month we’ll tape Becky laying down the profane law with whatever legths of profanity you prefer…so you can replay it at will…whenever you get the urge to swear. Surrogate swearing. Get the expression with none of the blame!

*&%$@!%*& Feeding Tube!
I can hear you M^$#!@$^*’s I just cant talk!
I need some more God *&%#@#% REST!

We even created a safe word that when I type it she unleashes the torrent.
Try it at home with your trusted friends. Belly laughs are healing.

  • Share/Bookmark

Familial ALS~ it’s only 10% genetic

Wednesday, September 1st, 2010 by annemarie

So many people are astounded when I tell them that only 10% of ALS patients get ALS from their DNA.
ALS is 90% SPONTANEOUS. That means it can happen to you! Which might be the best arguement for taking care of oneself that I’ve ever heard.

I have my own suspicions of what causes ALS but officially we don’t know. What we do know is it manifests differently in different patients
10% Bulbar onset like me where your speech, swallowing and facial control goes first, and the rest get a dragging foot or hand weakness first that progresses inward from the extremities.

Familial ALS is a subset of a subset, and the resources available for people with FALS are scarce. I’ve met families who have lost 8,10, 14 even 20 -30 people in the last 2 generations from ALS. I met one woman at the ALS Advcacy Days who can trace ALS back for 7-8 generations due to symptoms and records. These families don’t “borrow ” the hospital beds for the home and the high tech equipment, they have learned just to put it in storage for the next time someone needs it.

In my family my uncle had ALS and I have ALS. I am fervently praying that this is more coincidence than genetic. Ironically, I grew up thinking I had chosen my parents quite well and in the deep end of the gene pool…My grandparents all lived long lives (3 well into their 90’s) and most of my family is peternaturally strong, athletic and mensa quality folk. So while the Schlekeway family is a bunch of teachers, high performing jocks and all around awesome giving people, we may also be susceptible to the manifestation of what is called ALS. I do not want my family to think for a moment that they are a slave to this possibility~ as I have seen other families become and act like. Quaking in fear of the day the diagnosis hammer will fall on them or their children…to the point they medicate themselves with all the anti anxiety/anti depressants that are so prolific in our culture. This I do not recommend…The testing or the meds-I dont get the value of testing for the gene sod1 or any other gene that might give you a heads up on a disease. LIVE YOUR LIFE. Deal with it if it comes, but don’t invite it in to set up an apartment in your prefrontal cortext until it manifests itself for crying out loud!

You all will do what you’re going to do, but digging a ditch to wallow in is a dangerous thing. I may have had the gene( I don’t actually know) but I’m sure that my lifestyle of extreme working and living had alot to do with tripping it’s trigger. Would I have lived differently had I known I had a gene for something? I doubt it, I’m a stubborn creature. I always think I’m the exception. I have never mastered until recently the art of SELF CARE.

Here’s a few tips:
Don’t work 70-80 hours a week
Don’t stuff your emotions especially after a trauma (like an assault) or any other insult
Do work out and keep in shape
Dont pollute your body with CRAP- eat real food, no smoking, avoid preservatives and mass produced meat and poultry
Dont confuse diet soda/soda with water
Don’t live with mercury filings -get them removed
Be rigorous about caring for head injuries
Don’t work until you are depleted, tend to your adrenal health
Get educated about what’s in our food and environment, and do what you can to cleanse yours.

I could go on but then this would be a rant…you get the picture! Given that ALS is 90% Spontaneous, and on the rise with all the other autoimmune diseases; do yourself a big fat favor~ Take care of you and your body first…with out that you got squat.

  • Share/Bookmark

Opportunity in getting knocked down

Wednesday, September 1st, 2010 by annemarie

Look- I’m about as “look on the bright-side” as you can get. I am not for wallowing in self pity or allowing depression to invade my personal space. However, I am an advocate taking the time and making the time to heal/recover from life’s insults and injuries. I have experienced the impact of glossing over those insults and injuries and keepin on keeping on over time…it’s no good. I’m no longer a proponent of getting off it and moving on at any cost, as I believe doing that repeatedly and stuffing the connecting emotions contributed to my current state of dis~ease and in fact stunted my emotional growth as a human being.

I believe there is a wealth of information in these times of retreat and bouncing back…infact we can find the best of ourselves in the journey back from a knock out. The getting back up is the meat of life where the rubber meets the road we have the opportunity to declare who we are, what’s important and adjust our course if called for. I find I appreciate life more in those moments after a loss or a failure…I appreciate what I have now not only what I am striving for life to be. It’s the chance to sift through our values and see what rings true for us still.

Living life quickly is not the same as living life deeply.
Reflection is one of the top 3 things a survey of people over 95 said they wish they had done more of:
1) Reflect More
2) Risk More
3) Build something that lives beyond myself

I used to subscribe to living with the extremes~ pedal to the metal, full out or nothing at all, burnout dont fade away school of life. Clinging to the excitement and pace of the extremes has only kept me immature and stunted my growth…I’m finding a much richer life in the pursuit of balance.I often wobble towards it on a toddlers legs, much like a young singer who can do the soft and the loud voice but misses all the variations in between that mark a master’s performance. But every time I end up on my BUM…I get to declare who I am all over again.

  • Share/Bookmark

Sloppy Diet Rectification

Sunday, August 22nd, 2010 by annemarie

Three weeks ago I went to a healer and Natropath(SP?) of some note in the Detroit area. She’s about 82 and nearly a saint as far as I can tell. She believes in healing through food, which is a welcome perspective as I’ve asked repeatedly for dietary advice from the medical community and found no solid ground to walk on there. She took a urine sample and a saliva sample and hooked me up to a biofeedback machine for a few hours and we set me up on pure organic supplements that are designed to correct any deficiencies she distinguished. A week later I went on vacation so I am feeling stronger and exercising more but I wonder if it’s just the vacation talking…at any rate I have corrected 2 glaring things she pointed out.
1) I’m anemic
2) My sugars were really high as I’d gotten sloppy with my diet.

About May it got much more difficult to chew and swallow solid foods so I went to more soft foods. Coincidentally, it became dangerous for me to cook for myself as I cannot lift the pans anymore and I was concerned with maintaining weight so I MADE UP that the calories were inconsequential, which of course they never are…this lead to all sorts of dietary mischief: Ice cream for dinner, a conventient Smart Ones Lasagna for lunch etc. 2 months later I had to pee all the time and my sugar numbers were borderline diabetic! JEEZ O PEEZ! STOP CHANGE START.

SO now while it’s a struggle to get enough water, I believe we’ve interrupted the sugar blues, through avoiding simple carbs and eating more protien through eggs and fish and upped the fiber with raw fruits. I feel stronger from the supplements for iron, and strangely supported by the rigors of the regimine I’m on. It forces me to stop and nourish myself (albiet in a sloppy way-through my peg tube) four times a day which I’ve combined with a micro meditation for healing my cells. I feel I’m getting the nutritional balance restored and while on vacation I’ve enrolled my family in fixing high protien high fiber versions of soft foods for me to eat. Barilla Pasta ( 9g’s of protien and 6-7g’s of fiber) and some beans and rice recipies get me grooving now.
I also see a vita mix in my future…

  • Share/Bookmark

Convalescing

Thursday, August 19th, 2010 by annemarie

So I’m in So CA convalescing. You know how all those novels have people recovering from illness or injury go to a seaside resort/home to convalesse? (sp?) well, I’m doing that. Terranea is a fantastic new resort in Rancho Palos Verdes. Here I am up with the sun and in bed by 9pm. I’m in the midst of 10 days of tan, spa, water workouts in saltwater pools and healthy dining. Well and maybe a 10 cane mojito thrown in for good measure every other day.

I am indulging in that which is healthy as I have a new rigorous supplement regimine homeopathic in nature from my recent Detroit trip. It feels good to be DOING something. My parents are with me as we celebrate my 44th birthday and their 47th wedding anniversary. We are here to plan my care and their respite during my care…as I am unwilling to have their health impacted by mine. We are reading “Share the Care” by Cappy Capossela and Sheila Warnock and plotting our course for the next year depending on my needs.

Meanwhile I am reading of Paracelsus, the old time father of the new age medicine, essays on the spiritual nature of DNA/RNA, “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie, Books about Swedenborg~ 1- biography and “The Buddha of the North” by DT Suzuki and Caroline Myss’ latest effort “Defying Gravity: Healing Beyond the Bounds of Reason”. Bring it on Miss Myss! Bring that noise right ON!

I have had many new ideas here, as I count the porpoise schools feeding just off the coast and I watch the otters bob about slapping their paws together to release their lunch from it’s shell. I am envisioning a treatment center that includes all disciplines, a sort of interfaith model of medicine and method of looking at disease. I mean if we don’t have a cure in modern medicine…what’s the harm? It sure beats waiting around for the umpteenth phase 2 trial. More on this later…time to count the dolphins!

  • Share/Bookmark

Morrie and Me

Saturday, August 7th, 2010 by annemarie

You’d think I’d have read it already. But I have not.
I began reading last night and was struck by the similarities between Morrie Schwartz and myself besides the specter of ALS. I too am a coach, a humanist and a religious mutt. We share a profound love for dance and a passion for books. My skin has also begun to hang from my bones like a chicken skin off a soup bone. I too have the experience of being a “lightening rod” of ideas! It’s almost a torrent of channelled insights, like a hyper active radio signal to the universal creative mind.

I am wholeheartedly aligned with Morrie’s stand; “Well, for one thing the culture that we have does not make people feel good about themselves. We are teaching the wrong things. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesnt work, don’t buy it. Create your own. Most people can’t do it. They’re more unhappy than me – even in my current condition.”

The clients I have and participants in my Master Plan program find divesting themselves of the trivial, as Mitch Albom does in the chapter “Taking Attendance” to be extremely valuable for their productivity and happiness. They then begin to attend to their personal spaces: Mental ,emotional, physical, social and spiritual space creating connections and relationships that foster wellbeing, as well as practices and scheduled times to manage these spaces and relationships powerfully. This is how I coach.

I keenly feel the suffering of others and cry when ever I see it. I have a standing date with “Extreme Homemakover” for my weekly “Good Cry”, it’s my guilty pleasure. I can more easily be moved to tears for others than myself, like Morrie, I have very little self pity. I completely identify with Mitch’s observation on page 63, that Morrie looks at life from a different place…a healthier place. A more sensible place. That mystical sense of clarity rings true for me…and I keep creating pathways for others to find it for themselves, WITHOUT having to look death in the face first!

Though from the story thus far I see that Morrie had this wisdom long before ALS had him…I was more like Mitch overwork, over altruistic, stretched and exhausted befor the wisdom of how to live smacked my upside the head! I’m sure I’ll have more about Morrie and Me as I read but this is a remarkable connection with a man I only know through Mr. Albom’s fanatastic “tuesdays with Morrie”.

  • Share/Bookmark