What is it really that determines if we experience being alive? What elements have to be there? What’s non- negotiable and does that change? You bet your skivies it does!
Just in the 6 weeks or so that I began taking notes on this question my own non-negotiables have changed. I was originally looking at how many activities can you loose and still feel like you are living? Then I got REALLY tired, and my breathing became more shallow. Things took longer, alot longer. I began minimizing my movements, avoiding trips out of my home, meetings were held here etc. My world is shrinking, my ability to type is slowing down…I haven’t yet gotten to 1/2 the wellness things I’d like and now fear I wouldn’t live through them~ ie. having all my amalgam fillings removed etc.
I need support breathing and am going for a pacemaker for the diaphram if I can, hopefully I won’t be too late to be effective. The thing with ALS is you don’t need something til you NEED IT. I think I’ve been lulled into a sense of complacency given the relatively slow progression of my disease. So what began as an inquiry about what it takes to feel fully alive is now quite frankly a real time look at what do I say it takes to keep me in the fight. What must life provide such that it is worth participating in…? This is a more macabre twist than I was searching for!
Now, I fully believe you bring to life what you make it, and this was meant to be an articulation of that thinking…more along the lines of “if you cant eat dinner out how can you participate and still be a part of it”, but now I don’t have the energy to care. Whoa. There I said it.
That’s a state change people. So I’m alive. Not quite satisfied with how that looks right now, but I’m alive.
I too have really had an “inquiry” into this subject of what it is to be alive and purpose.
So, I know that I will one day return home to my creator, God. And if I was sent to Earth by my creator, it was for my creator that I was sent here. All to often I think I begin to believe that my own purpose from moment to moment is really worth anything. I’ve given my purpose over to God, thus taking my own selfishness out of the picture. I will always have moments of stupidity where I start to convince myself that I have any sort of meaning beyond God’s purpose for my life. Or that I AM the one in control, because as we all know, we really aren’t in control of anything. If we look back at everything that we’ve “controlled” at one time we learn that control can be taken away at anytime.
When I rely on the Lord for what His purpose for my life is no matter the situation, it’s no longer my call as to what living life is all about or what’s acceptable to be called living. It’s just my job to live a life that fulfills His purpose for me.
James 1 1-7
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
When I am upset or sorrowed, it comes from the thought that my own desire or will may go unfulfilled. Perhaps it’s the thought that what I had will be lost. However, when my will is His, I can rejoice in my loss for the greater of His kingdom and my faith is promised to bring me home!